eff this

should i even say that i miss you? you frickkin said that you didn’t cheat on me when other people clearly said otherwise. you didn’t call me, and is that why i’m staying up late right now? honestly no. funny how you and i were at the same place watching the same fireworks, but i didn’t see you at all. it brings me back to 4th of july last year. but you’re right. i did get too clingy. but could you friggin blame me? you’re everywhere. then you started to talk to other girls, then you started to like other girls. how can i not try to hold on? i was soo good to you. i just want to hear you say that you cheated on me, because that’s what you did. i still miss how good we were. i miss the kisses and all that crap. but i just wanna settle this. i wish you’d realize what you’re doing. imean i keep hearing you like someone else and whatnot. it sucks, cuz i really did try to make an effort to be cool with her. this is stupid. i need to find someone new. but i want to make it count this time. maan, typing is so much faster than writing.
i am excited for JesusCulture. i can tell that i need it. i need a break from church people and from school people. imean i can totally elaborate on my friends and how there are times that i really just want to be away from them, which i will be. honestly, i’m looking forward to moving away for college, but i know i’m gonna miss it. anyways, i need to be able to straight up worship without having to worry about the order of the song or whether or not i sound okay. imean i don’t hate leading worship, it’s just that i can tell i need the opportunity to just worship without having to worry. and sometimes i’m not that comfortable at church, mostly cuz i get there a bit later. but i just need the refreshing and the pleasant contrast to everything else that’s going on.
i love my friends. they just do some crazy things, and i suppose i just put it on blast cuz i have expectations for them. imean they’re just like anybody else, but aren’t we supposed to be different from the world and all that? we’re all growing up, but the other people are right.. why are we putting ourselves through unnecessary hurt? why do people have such different priorities? why are people so caught up in trying to live the fast life? imean i don’t want to be boring by skipping that, but it doesn’t appeal to me right now.
i’m a little tired of my tendency to just spill everything. but i tell the people i trust. i hate being a broken record, but it helps to talk it out.
which brings me back to you. i hate how i tell other people about what’s going on with us. i hate that you cheated with her and somehow, i’m cool with her. you’re hard to let go of, but i’m trying. you weren’t very perfect either. i wish that it affected you more though. you seem so un-fazed by our breakup. imean you just kept going with all the other girls. you hurt people, and you don’t even gettit. you make me mad.
it’s just sad because i care about you so much that i want you to be okay. i don’t want you to spiral into some black nothing. so much is pushing against you, so it would make sense that it would be hard to be stable. but i hate seeing you just go on like nothing happened. i’m scared for you. but i can’t let that stop me from my own stuff.
whathafrick was all that?

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