remember the time

“Do You Remember
When We Fell In Love
We Were Young
And Innocent Then
Do You Remember
How It All Began
It Just Seemed Like Heaven
So Why Did It End?”

so today was a lovely day. my best friends that i haven’t seen in two years came to visit and luckily one of them was able to sleep over, so i got to catch up with her. it was as if they had never left. i kept thinking how it must’ve felt for my friend as i drove her to church, to be back on the roads of Vallejo. i even noticed that she’d say “Vallay-HO” instead of “vuh-LAY-oh”. it’s just crazy, how much we’ve all grown up, but we’re all still really close.
the church service was really good today too. honestly i wish i could come up with better adjectives, but maybe it’s cuz i’m just tired. but it was another reminder to keep trusting in God with my situation. i need to look beyond the reality in front of me and remember the reality God’s showing me. i should really unplug more and just spend time with God in silence, cuz that would really help me avoid all my social networking sites.
i like that i get to lead worship, and i realize that regardless of how imperfect i am sometimes, worship is my opportunity to just come back to God and lead other people too. it’s a big reminder to me that God loves me and that He has control. i just wish that my “Sunday feeling” would go far beyond Sunday mornings and into my daily life. but of course that’s on me, cuz i need to read the Bible for myself. cuz that’s one of the best ways to just get more in touch with God.
so after all that’s been said, why did i put those lyrics from a Michael Jackson song at the beginning of this blog entry?
well, it’s because i just feel like i’m okay right now. i did get the urge to call, but i didn’t. i bet on some level somewhere, we are still friends, but i just really need to stay away. because even though it’s over, i still find myself freaking out cuz i see updates from you, relating to you, or from your friends all over these social networking sites. and it makes me get mad and jealous all over again. i know that i said what i had to say, whether or not you really heard it in the midst of me admitting my own mistakes. i am still sorry about what i did, but i really wish you’d be sorry for what you did, cuz it seems to me like you’re just continuing to hurt yourself and whoever you’re with right now. but each day for me really is a journey and a choice, cuz i don’t always have to hunt things down on facebook, tumblr, or twitter. i’m still not even sure if i should completely delete pictures and throw away stuff… what’s hard for me right now is trying to figure out if what i’m doing is letting go or ignorance.
there are times that i just think of how nice things were between us, then it makes me think of how you said it didn’t feel the same to you anymore, and how you just kept leading me on in a way. i get that i was obsessive and jealous, but i can’t help but think that you played some part in getting me to be like this. i also know that it’s on me, cuz i forgot a lot of my own values and i didn’t keep my head straight.
so as much as i want to blame you, right now, i just gotta focus on me and how i can improve myself.
after church i went to a family picnic. so it was just a cracklin day all in all.
i’m really excited for JesusCulture now, cuz it’ll be a good time for me to really hear from God. i’ll get to worship and not worry about the musicians or the set or the order of the songs. all i have to do is just come and be blessed. and i’ll get to be with family.
i know that i have to reach out to others, but i think i have some growing of my own to do.
this week i also have college orientation. i have no idea what to expect, but i’ll get to stay the night away from everyone, so that’s cool too.
well, this blog got really long. but i just wanted to check in with myself. i doubt anybody reads this anyways.
i’m gonna keep trying.

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