sober

deep breath.

so i’m sitting here in a bed that isn’t mine. how’d i even end up in Modesto?

“All by Myself” by Celine Dion is playing right now.

and it’s fracken true. I don’t want to by all by myself. 

I don’t want to push you away or be scared off by you.

Because i’m not afraid of you.

Please let me make the effort.

I just want to sift through all the thoughts in my head and the ideas that come at me.

I just want clarity.

He pushes me. and God, I know you’re pushing me too.

I just get to legalistic. I take it to extremes.

But even more so, I’m doing fine. I’m okay.

Man cannot stop the works of God.

God makes all things work together for God.

here’s me out of my comfort zone.

I don’t completely know what to do.

and i am fracken scared. and i am fracken afraid.

but i’m not scared of you. i’m not afraid of you.

can i just love you?

why am i even awake right now?

i just don’t know.

i just don’t.

i really hate that i get so hard on myself like this.

i want to be broken.

woah, thats a scary risky thing to say.

i want to move forward. yes.

whoop. i landed on watching videos of engagement proposals. what.

what i feel right now.

point is. they took that leap.

it’s a scary thing.

but even more so, it’s a wonderful thing.

and i gotta take my own leap.

it’s not exactly that right now.

but i gotta not be afraid.

it’s a beautiful thing.

and as much as don’t want to get too carried away right now…

all i know, i just gotta do it.

 

well. i don’t know if any of this makes much sense, to me or to anyone, but i’m just gonna leave this right here.

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