well. don’t i know how to frack shiz up?

frack. frack. frack.


deep breath.

so i’m sitting here in a bed that isn’t mine. how’d i even end up in Modesto?

“All by Myself” by Celine Dion is playing right now.

and it’s fracken true. I don’t want to by all by myself. 

I don’t want to push you away or be scared off by you.

Because i’m not afraid of you.

Please let me make the effort.

I just want to sift through all the thoughts in my head and the ideas that come at me.

I just want clarity.

He pushes me. and God, I know you’re pushing me too.

I just get to legalistic. I take it to extremes.

But even more so, I’m doing fine. I’m okay.

Man cannot stop the works of God.

God makes all things work together for God.

here’s me out of my comfort zone.

I don’t completely know what to do.

and i am fracken scared. and i am fracken afraid.

but i’m not scared of you. i’m not afraid of you.

can i just love you?

why am i even awake right now?

i just don’t know.

i just don’t.

i really hate that i get so hard on myself like this.

i want to be broken.

woah, thats a scary risky thing to say.

i want to move forward. yes.

whoop. i landed on watching videos of engagement proposals. what.

what i feel right now.

point is. they took that leap.

it’s a scary thing.

but even more so, it’s a wonderful thing.

and i gotta take my own leap.

it’s not exactly that right now.

but i gotta not be afraid.

it’s a beautiful thing.

and as much as don’t want to get too carried away right now…

all i know, i just gotta do it.


well. i don’t know if any of this makes much sense, to me or to anyone, but i’m just gonna leave this right here.

note to self



why does my spirit get flustered?

i am not shaken, i am not moved.

my spirit is STRONG.
God, this doesn’t have to phase me. 
it’s nothing.
God, You are guarding my heart, Lord.
God, You love me MORE. You love me the MOST.
it’s just Facebook. it doesn’t matter.
You’ve created me to be STRONGER.
God, i proclaim Your name.
i give You praise for giving me the victory!
You alone and worthy.
You alone deserve all of my love and adoration.
I’m gonna give this one back to You God.
You make me STRONG.
You make me RESISTANT.
this doesn’t have to shake me.
this doesn’t have to get me down.
You know me.
You created ME.
You LOVE me.
I praise YOU.

so i haven’t been on this one in a while

i thought i’d give Xanga some lovin tonight.

Hmm. what can i say?
Well, I think I had a pretty good weekend. I spent every day at church. On Friday I met to plan the script for the Christmas play. Although it scares me that it’s almost the end of October and we have yet to solidify a script, I definitely have to put my faith in God that this one’s gonna work out.
Oh my goodness. I can hear the rain. Praise the Lord!
Anyways, after that, I helped out the Jr. Youth kids with worship practice. Then we watched Paranormal Activity 4. It was alright… It definitely played with my nerves, but all the real scary stuff happened at the end. I still like the 3rd one best.
On Saturday The GCS had an Open House/ Alumni Homecoming event, so I got to sing and play for that, which was fun. I got to see some old friends and sing songs that take me back to those days. Not gonna lie, I’m not sure what it was, but i kinda think that i got a little flustered at the sight of this particular old friend. But whatever. I even evaded a crucial question. Anyways.
After that, I went to a family party. It was nice, cuz it’s family that we’re not really close to, but I definitely felt at home when I was there. I even got to see classmates from elementary school. So hopefully I get to see more friends from the past.
Today was worship Sunday, and i got to lead. I’m really glad that I didn’t get into some conversations the night before that I know I shouldn’t have. I really praise God for keeping me out of that one, even though it could’ve easily happened. I really hate that I get myself into things like that, and it can all be easily avoided if i just stay away.. so i’m gonna work on that this week…
Anyways, the service was really good, I really got the sense that the congregation really needed to spend some extra time savoring God’s spirit, so I tried to help make that happen. There were other special song performances, and I was really blessed by that too!
After that, I got to go to my Ate’s daughter’s 1st birthday. It blows my mind how time flies by so fast. Again, I got to see lots of people I haven’t seen in a while, which was good. I really like that God made that happen this weekend, and I definitely hope that it’ll continue to happen.
Now I’m in SJ. I had my meeting, and I did some homework, so now i’m ready to unwind and get ready for bed. I think i’m gonna work on the Christmas play script while i go to sleep.
Anyways, this week, i’m really focusing on not communicating with certain people, and I’m gonna stick to it. It’s really what I should’ve been doing all along. But for now, i’m gonna focus on taking those baby steps, one bite at a time kinda stuff. 
There is definitely power in worship and spending time in God’s presence.
How’s my heart?
The first word that popped into my head was “open.” Maybe more in a good way this time. Because I catch myself having an open heart in the way of not caring what i let in. I let things slip, like saying the occasional “i miss you..” or letting my heart get carried away, even if it’s only a little bit. those little bits lead up to a lot more. even if i think that it’s harmless. it’s really not.
well. this week is a new week. it’s gonna be a good one. i’m excited to see what God has in store for me.

honestly, it’s like…

i have all this stuff that pops into my mind that i wanna post and update, but i don’t really want to either.

i have too many outlets for my thoughts.

i have too many outlets for my thoughts.

Dear God,

as much as i want to tell this guy on my dorm floor that i have a crush on him,
i’m gonna wait.
and i’m gonna keep trusting in You.
cuz i’ve been getting better when it comes to trippin.
and it feels good.
so i’m thankful for that.
college is enough to handle without the guy drama anyways.
but yeah, thanks for watching over me.
i love You!


college life is good. i’m getting along with my roommate, she’s almost always with her best friend, but i don’t really mind. i really should be sleeping, even though i don’t have a morning class tomorrow. i’m getting my homework done, although doing huge papers scare me. i’m getting used to being on my own, doing things myself. i’m still soo awkward, but i’m okay. i really want to meet people, possibly, my next significant other. but i know that i just gotta make friends here. i do miss home, i miss having my own room, but i go home on the weekends, so it isn’t that bad. it’s just crazy that it’s really happening.
i don’t wanna go back to trippin, so i won’t.
i should just go to sleep!


so i took a peek at her fb.. gah.. then it led me to taking a peek at your fb. and honestly, a teeny tiny piece inside of me wanted to cry. but then i realized, HELL NAW I WILL NOT CRY. cuz i like that little by little i’m trippin over you less and less.. and i realize that by blogging about this right now i may be feedin my trippiness.. but i gotta just let it out somewhere anyways.
cuz i know that God didn’t want me to get comfortable with my life which is why things changed between me and you. and i think i’m starting to do much better now. sure i’m not perfect, and sure i be trippin. but i know that God’s working in me, and i’m holding on to the fact that God is stretching me far beyond the capacity i seem to think i have, cuz i can get through this. cuz God gives me strength!
so as much as i might want to keep going with this, i think that is all.